Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
