from now on my penis is your penis
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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