It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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