The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
