so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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