and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
