yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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