I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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