dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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