I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
