We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
