After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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