we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
