so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
sarcasm needs its own font
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
