You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
