Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
