what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
