I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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