Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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