If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't deserve a penis
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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