I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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