i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Pants are for mortals
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
