She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
