i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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