My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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