If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
