Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
