I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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