what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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