Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
