You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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