Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
