Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
