I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
