made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
