I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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