yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I faked an abortion last night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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