I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
