I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
