i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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