I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
