Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
