Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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