I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
