Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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