i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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