Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
