Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
