at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
a search helicopter?!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
