The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
