new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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