omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
