I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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