It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
