i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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