Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
