I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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