Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he puts the penis in happiness.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
