I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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