you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
