his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
