is your mom at the bar?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
