I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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