he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How does one acquire holy water?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
